It is so draining...'

One minute you are making dinner, talking about your day. Things are calm and normal, but something is in the air. 

Maybe it is the full dishwasher from last night, or the sweet wrappers on the coffee table. It all seems like small issues that can easily be solved. Sweet wrappers can be put in the bin, and the dishwasher can be emptied when it is finished. Yet, a mental tower of building blocks is being stacked, each block carrying a feeling that, if explored, could threaten the balance of the relationship. Maybe some of the blocks are being nudged, causing the tower to wobble. 

And then it comes: the final block placed onto the top, making the tower wobble and fall to the ground. All your feelings scattered on the floor, no longer contained, creating an emotional, confusing mess. Maybe what is needed in that moment is help picking up the pieces, or naming the feelings of each block, or taking a closer look at how the tower came to be built in the first place. Yet, what actually happens is a different story…

The chaos leads to an argument and sentences like ‘Nothing I do is ever enough!’, ’You never think about anyone but yourself!’, or ‘I can’t do this anymore - you’re making a big deal out of nothing!’ come flying out. 

Your internal walls are up. There might be shouting, withdrawing, deflecting, or being defensive. The blocks on the floor represent feelings of frustration, anger, maybe even contempt. However, what was hidden by that tower are complicated and vulnerable feelings: sadness, loneliness, fear, shame, guilt, and the desperate need for connection and love. 

You can see the mess and act on it, but being vulnerable with the person who ‘caused’ the tower to collapse could feel too much, too unsafe. 

So none of the blocks get examined or named - the tower gets rebuilt slightly higher, only to fall again, maybe crashing even louder next time. 

There could be many reasons why you could struggle to share or recognise the underlying feelings of sadness or loneliness within you. Maybe, when these have been previously voiced, they were shut down. ‘Boys don’t cry’ or ‘That is a ridiculous thing to be scared of.’ The voice might have started loud and over time got quieter, until it disappeared. Instead of speaking up and sharing what is going on, a coping mechanism or pattern is created. The blocks get stacked instead and the tower gets pushed to the back of your mind, like it is insignificant, yet functions on its own - no attention needed. Until it wobbles and crashes to the ground. You feel the pain of the tower falling in your head. Maybe you even feel it in your heart or in your chest. Maybe your body responds with an increased heart rate and a struggle to breathe. Your nervous system is struggling. 

What helps in moments like this? Some people might take some time away from the situation to calm down and come back to themselves. Others might want to try and solve everything right there, in the middle of the painful mess. Maybe someone prefers to make a joke, to lighten the mood, avoiding looking at the pain but still wanting to make it all better. Often, these behaviours either put a short-term plaster on the argument, or they make it worse, never reaching a solution.

It is painful and scary to look at the pieces the tower was made of. The most painful work is to pick up the pieces together, looking at the feelings that each block was carrying, understanding how these feelings got there, and what each person needs to feel held and understood. Therapy can help slow this cycle down. It can be a place to look at the withdrawing, pursuing, walking on eggshells, the resentment that is stacking up, the feelings that are underneath everything. Over time, the blocks of feelings stop being a mystery and come to the forefront of your mind. You might start to recognise your own feelings as well as your partner’s or the people around you. Maybe you even understand where your own patterns or the patterns of the people around you come from. It might get easier to say and name feelings, as well as to listen to them being expressed by others. Eventually, after having been brave enough to share your feelings with someone you trust, you might welcome them when they arrive in the moment, and they might even become less scary. The tower gets smaller and maybe it won’t even be rebuilt at all. Your arguments might not disappear fully. However, they might lead to finding solutions together and a sense of teamwork, rather than loneliness.